...i'll be dancing with myself.....

Today is November 1st. I'm sitting in the family room [on the sofa, hehe] and it's a dreary day outside, but I like it. It's been raining on and off today. It's a good thing because it's been a couple of months since we've had rain. And I'm drinking tea. with sugar and cream. Hahahaha it tastes awesome. Let's see what else. I'm listening to that claire de lune tune; it's so nice. I wish I could play it but nooooo. Okay so let's not go there. 

My siblings are out with my dad at Chuck E. Cheese. Ahh I remember when it was the four of us that would go there on a rainy day. Now, we're all semi-grown. 

Well I don't really understand why I'm on here; I've got nothing to do [it's a lie]. But this is nice. 

I don't have a journal. Well, I do. It's small and lost. Hahaha. I'm going to have to write in it again someday. Typing is just so much faster; but the journal is so much er, personal. 

So I'm all alone!!! Which is very nice! 

Ah I have some nice pictures of my dog Musho that I took today! 

It's around the first time I take pictures of him.

It was hard taking a right picture of him because he'd come out like one of dogs you wouldn't want. But he's really really cute. 

And playful.

And cute.

Hahhaha.

"....I said you look so fine and I really wanna make you mine!!!" 

I just had to put it out there.

So today I learned about compost!!

No one know what that is. 

Okay well it's soil with organic material that acts as a fertilizer. 

You can make it in your own backyard right now if you wanted to. 

I'm going to go sing and dance.

Okay so I'm back from my singing and dancing and it's eight thirty.

I need a really good party one of these days. 

Ahh I feel so unstressed now. Kinda high. I don't even know what that feels like. Haha

I'm listening to Alice Dejay hahaha now.

It's so awesome but now I just wish I wasn't so alone. My dog isn't enough company because i have to take CARE of him.

Sandy is at a party and probably wouldn't dance with me.

Sheila's at some friend gathering; she would dance with me.

Angie's with my dad. She'd dance with me, I think.

Aislinn is... I don't know where she is. 

I think this is pretty much it for this bloggie. I think.

Oh no, I've started wondering whether this website will be here in ten years and if my blogs will all be in here. Hmm ten years from now....

Sugar, oh honey honey, you are my candy girl, and you got me wanting you.

Honey, oh suga suga, you are my candy girl and you got me wanting you.

Non-Familiar Guilt

Agh. Hello world.

This is my first blog on here.

I think. Anyways, what's bugging me is family. There is this part of my mother's family that lives in Honduras [located in Central America]. My mom has always had on & off again contact with her family ever since I can remember. 

A few years ago, my cousin Jessica came from Honduras to live in the US as she is the only one over there with US citizenship. So ever since, my mother has become closer to her remote siblings who she hasn't personally seen since the age of 15 or 16. Trust me it's been a very long time. 

Anyways, Jessica and my younger sister Angie decide to go to Honduras for four days and they've only just left last night. 

So tonight they're in Honduras. Jessica visiting her family and Angie meeting them for the very first time. 

I haven't talked to them and just prefer to talk to them when they return. 3 days from now. 

Anyways my mom calls the family over there and then she wants me to talk to her brother.

In other words, my uncle. 

A man that I have never met in my life. 

Then there's the fact that I don't LOVE talking over the phone; it's very bothersome for some reason.

Next, my Spanish is decent but not great. Yea yea I should practice etc etc etc .

But my point is what the hell am I supposed to say to him over the phone???

Another problem is that my mom is sitting right across from me listening in. Not only is it embarrassing that I can't think of what to say but she's just sitting there with this silly smile on her face trying to encourage me.

Trying. and failing to do so. 

She's just thrilled with us 'talking'. 

Agh it's just very , I don't know, disturbing? 

And I feel guilty because my uncle [I don't even know what his name is] is very nice and animated. 

He said it was such a surprise to have my sister visit [it was a surprise for the family that my sis was going; they believed that only Jessica was going] and it was great and that he was glad that she did and it was wonderful to meet one of his sister's daughters. And when would we come? 

I couldn't think of what to say except: One day. 

I could have lied and said "ohh maybe next year!!" 

or something like that but I didn't. 

Like I said, I'm not good on the phone; unless I really really know or get along with very well with who I'm talking to. 

And I feel even more guilty because it seems like they care for us, family, who they don't even know, and I don't. I can't feel anything for them. Not until I get to know them and I've been avoiding trips there for the same reasons and the fact that it'll be a one time thing so why bother oh and school. I'm not going to automatically fall head over heels for my family in a few days, a week. 

It's kind of depressing.